First, the post included the following:
Although it is not really relevant to this blog, I would like to honour my father by posting his eulogy here. I then checked, and found I didn't do that for Mum when I wrote about her funeral, so I will add hers as well. (I've taken out or modified some names for privacy reasons - I referred to living people by name, and do not have their permission to do so here - and would not ask it: it is more important they be allowed to grieve) I've added a few links.
I'm never happy with something like this - it is so hard to reduce decades of living down to a few minutes of talking, but I'm pleased that others asked for copies of the eulogies: it must have meant something to them. In the case of Dad's eulogy, people were sharing stories about his life as well afterwards, so I feel like it worked.
Courtesy of being adopted I have one more parent left: my birth Mum (my birth father died before I found them).
If this is of no interest to you, please feel free to move on by :)
I also wish to repeat a comment I made here, abut those whose experience of family is not as healthy as mine has been.
"And yes, all this is being written by the woman who keeps giving warnings about families, how they aren’t all good, and they don’t have the right to control people, etc.
Why?Well, I know people who have suffered through some appalling families, but the situation is also a little akin to someone I’ve said about relationships and domestic violence. I am of the view that partners in a relationship should have enough financial and other reserves to be able to leave if they need to (or want to). That should be an example set, in particular, by those in good relationships – who can agree to do so without rancour or stress. That leads to people who are in bad relationships being able to hold them up as an example, and perhaps say “well, relationship X is solid, and they’ve done this, so I think we should as well, to also set an example”. That would work in possibly only a low percentage of abusive relationships, but that’s better than nothing, and maybe it will lead to people automatically making sure they have enough to leave before they go into a relationship.Similarly, it is most impactful if people who have good family situations say “hey, I know I’m on a good thing here, but I appreciate it, and I know that not everyone is as fortunate, so we shouldn’t put pressure on those people by being insensitive, or presumptuous, or put them in a situation of having to say ‘hey, well, my situation isn’t/wasn’t so good, you know’ ”."
Copy of my (adoptive) father's eulogy
The single word most commonly used to describe Dad by those who knew him was "gentleman". I’ve talked to a few people who knew Dad in recent times, and all of them found him to be a considerate, caring, well-mannered and dignified gentleman.I don’t know if he had those characteristics all his life. Growing up in West Rockhampton was tough – as Dad’s sister, _ can probably confirm. It was the time of the Great Depression, and Dad’s father, also called I_, earned what he could as a labourer. Later, that also included working for the yanks when they were building their air bases in Rocky during the Second World War.And that was a time when Dad discovered his love of flying, and of photography.He has some truly amazing photos of those times – including various planes, and family members and events. There are also photos of what are possibly historic events, such as major floods.As I said, it was not easy living there then.Going back to the planes for a moment, Dad had a few interesting stories. One was about a young friend of his who horrified his mother by taking a machine gun from a plane which had crashed – and which couldn’t be fired because of the bent barrel and removal of the firing pin – and taking it home.Dad ended the war training to be a navigator – he was two weeks off being assigned to active duty when the war ended. He talked a few times about friends he made in those days.Dad also had a very level headed perspective on some of the martinets he came across at that time, comments along the lines that a few tried to be disciplinarians, but it didn’t do too much. Dad believed in discipline, but starting with self discipline, which showed with his successes in sport. He played soccer when he was younger, and came up with what sounds like the off-side trap, and was proud of having won an amateur boxing tournament.Somewhere around this time, Dad started working in the railways, and spent, he told me, 7 years there. During that time, he came across a number of characters – such as the worker who would put his alarm clock inside a kerosene tin to make sure he had no choice but the get up when it went off.Dad appreciated a good story, and had a great sense of humour. I can still remember the corny jokes he would bring back from the Irish Club, and we generally would swap a joke or two whenever we talked.Another characteristic Dad had was intelligence, and this, I think, was to everyone’s benefit when he started in the old Commercial Bank of Australia – the CBA, as it was then known, before the Commonwealth pinched the acronym. Dad’s work for the bank w while he was studying as despite the efforts of cousin _, who played “From a Jack to A King” fairly loudly, but Dad got even by forcing everyone to listen to the Goons.Dad’s initial work in the bank was in Alpha, and he has told me a few stories from that time. I’ll relay just one, which is how, one cold winter morning, he and a colleague added a dash of rum to their morning cuppa. Others gradually joined in, and apparently calling in for a morning cuppa at the bank became quite popular, for some reason.Alpha, of course, is also where Dad met Mum, and this is where I can start talking about how he was a loving and caring man.As I said at Mum’s funeral, when people meet, sometimes it is said sparks fly; in the case of H_ and I_ it was an ambulance siren turned on when the driver spotted them kissing behind a tree.They were married in Rockhampton on the 28th of September, 1953, and that was the start of a 54 year relationship. You would be hard pressed to find a better example of a more loving, genuine and long lasting commitment.In 1958 they moved to Melbourne, knowing no-one, and with a three week old baby – me. They stuck it out, and their life’s circumstances improved. Because of Dad’s work in the bank, they had a few more moves to make in the life they shared together: to Mackay in 197_, to Townsville in 198_, with retirement to Brisbane in 198_.They had their ups and downs, but they stayed together and cared for each other. When Dad retired, he was at a bit of a loose end, and Mum stepped in and got him busy doing odd jobs about the house. Her passing was a blow to – well, all of us, but obviously it was a particular blow to Dad. I’ve been a bit surprised he has lasted as long as he has since Mum’s passing, but I’m glad that they are now – in my opinion – together.I’m also glad his suffering has passed. The deterioration he went through in his last few years wasn’t easy to watch, and it certainly wasn’t easy for Dad, but he bore it with as much dignity and gentlemanly style as he could.He also had an enormous amount of help in these times, as did Mum, from my sister, _, and her husband. Heartfelt thanks are owed to both of you. It hasn’t been easy, particularly in these last few months.Dad’s caring for people came through in his banking career. Dad liked being able to help people and businesses, and hated what happened to banking in the 90s. I think he must have been quite good at that, because the CBA in Mackay seemed to fund a long line of Maltese family weddings – to which we were invited.There were harder times in banking as well, and Dad had a few stories about the times people would break down in his office over having approved loans that went bad. His attitude was to prefer continuing to help people – as he said, it may take only a small amount extra, on top of what already been invested.I’d like go back to one of the moves: to Mackay in 1972. At that time, I became active in sailing, and Dad also wound up getting involved – as financier, and supporter. He didn’t get into sailing much himself, but stepped in one weekend that I was preparing for a regatta. My crew was available on the Saturday, but not the Sunday. Dad watched us for a while on the Saturday, from up on top of the breakwater, built high enough above the water to cope with a cyclone, and then crewed for me on the Sunday, sitting about a foot and a half above the water. That led to a conversation which went something like this:Dad: “how big are those waves today?”Me: “About 8 to 10 feet”Dad: “And how big were they yesterday?”Me: “About 10 to 12 feet”Dad, in a dry voice: “They look bigger, from down here.”Dad stepping in to help like that was typical of his caring and devotion to family. I’ve mentioned _ and _: their kids and grandkids were also a big part of his life.He was, of course, a big part of our lives – and the other people he touched.Dad, may you rest in peace and love; we’ll grieve now, strongly, but may the longer part of that be our remembrance of your love, dignity, and humour. Rest well, good and gentle sir.
Copy of my (adoptive) mother's eulogy
The basic details of my mother’s life are that she was born on the _, 1928, had two children, two grandchildren and one great-grandchild, and passed away on the _, 2007.She and her life were, of course, so much more than those bare numbers.H_ was born in Clermont to a Scottish father, _, and English mother, _, who was originally an O_. She had three siblings: the older _ and _, and the younger _. Her early life was on a property near Alpha, and lacked the mod-cons of modern life. Mum once told me she was glad she no longer had to heat water in a copper, and she had a few stories of the kids going to school on the back of a horse, and of an occasion when they were running low on meat when the men were all away and she was given the task of slaughtering a sheep for food.She also had a corny joke about a horse with a sulky behind that stuck in my mind for many years. H_ had a few corny jokes.I think H_’s country skills stayed with her. One day in the 60s, when we were living in an outer suburb of Melbourne, I found my younger sister playing with a snake one winter’s day, and Mum made short shrift of the snake with a shovel.H_ met I_ in 1952, when she was working in a hospital, and he was working in the bank. When people meet, sometimes it is said sparks fly; in the case of H_ and I_ it was an ambulance siren turned on when the driver spotted them kissing behind a tree.They were married in Rockhampton on the 28th of September, 1953, and that was the start of a 54 year relationship. You would be hard pressed to find a better example of a more loving, genuine and long lasting commitment.That love and commitment would be tested at times – as it was in 1958 when they moved to Melbourne, knowing no-one, and with a three week old baby – me. Mum travelled down to Melbourne on a DC3, and told me I was brought out from a cot in the back of the plane whenever I needed my next feed.In those early days in Melbourne, I_ would get home from work and ask how H_’s day had been, and she would burst into tears.They stuck it out, and their life’s circumstances improved. Because of Dad’s work in the bank, they had a few more moves to make in the life they shared together: to Mackay in 1971, to Townsville in 1982, with retirement to Brisbane in 1985. By the time they got to Townsville, they had been through a few moves, but it was still tough. It was there H_ once asked I_ if he ever got lonely, and it was there that she began her work as a volunteer with Lifeline.I mention the challenges of these moves because H_ had a courage that some may not have fully appreciated. Her courage was of the type that shines when coping with the worst trials and tribulations of everyday life: making major moves before Dad retired, and, more recently, coping with her illness.In addition to her courage, Mum had a tremendous patience in all sorts of circumstances – patience that helped her cope with the many problems which everybody strikes in over 50 years of married life. She had a tremendous motherly feeling towards her family, and would come up with all sorts of schemes to help her loved ones. When sitting around with Dad, she would _ounce these schemes by saying “I’ve been thinking”, and he would grab his chair in pretended terror at the next revelation.I’d like go back to one of the moves: to Mackay in 1972. At that time, I became active in sailing, and Mum became involved in the sailing club as one of the auxiliary members. She took on tasks such as working in the canteen and helping organise functions. Every August we would go to Kurrimine Beach for a couple of weeks for a regatta, and she and the other ladies of the club would always have a good time - particularly with the card games.That good time may have been helped just a little by the sherry.One year the organisers of the regatta decided to hold a Mothers Race. All the various mothers were rounded up and put in a boat with one of their offspring, and given the task of being skipper. H_ won that race - and she was the only mother who actually steered the boat throughout the race. Those skills obviously stayed with her. In recent years when taken shopping in a wheelchair by daughter _ and granddaughter _, she would “direct traffic” with one finger from her wheelchair – and it was up to _ and _ to follow the signals. If things were going too slowly, Mum would take her feet off the foot-stops and walk the chair along herself. It was no wonder those other mothers didn’t have a chance all those years ago at Kurrimine.H_’s creative side also developed further at that time, and included involvement in craft activities such as Hobbytex and leatherwork. Quite a few members of the sailing club had T shirts with the club emblem on that Mum and the other ladies in the club auxiliary made, and many also had leather stubby holders which she carved their name into - Dad still has his.One of the other areas she showed her creativity was music. It was while in Mackay that Dad bought an organ for H_ and _ to learn to play. That organ stayed with the family for many years, and through quite a few moves, until recently, when it was donated to a young woman in this church who apparently couldn’t afford to buy an organ. That donation pleased H_ enormously, and fitted her generous nature.Another area that Mum showed her creativity in – and her caring - was in her cooking. There is a dish she helped prepare at Kurrimine Beach, a chicken dish cooked in a camp oven, that I still remember to this day, more than 30 years later. Her roasts were absolutely wonderful, and her corned beef fritters were even better – Mum’s grandson _ in particular loved his Gran’s corned beef fritters.H_ was always absolutely wonderful with kids. She adored her grandchildren, _ and _, and they adored their Gran back. A major part of Mum’s life in the last couple of decades has been _ and her family, and the support they – and Dad - have given her in recent years, and in particular in the last six months, has been absolutely outstanding – it has been without compare.H_’s normally happy nature was severely tested by medical setbacks over the recent years, but she faced those with courage and determination – which, unfortunately, was not enough. We, her family, have never been more proud of her than in the way she faced her debilitating illness, and the strength with which she faced it’s inevitable end.There were moments of humour, though. I’ve mentioned that _ and _ would take Mum shopping. Later, as her illness progressed and she was no longer able to join in these trips, they would include her by phoning about purchases. Recently, they rang her to discuss a toy for great-grandson _. After having the toy and why it was such a bargain described in great detail, and asking whether she thought that would be good for him, Mum asked what other toys the store had._’s husband, _, will give the second part of this eulogy.Mum’s life in the last few decades also notably included her work at Lifeline. She worked 25 years as a volunteer, and was recognised for that with a special award a few years ago.In addition, H_ was strongly involved in the church’s activities, with the craft group, card group and bus trips to places such as the Mary Valley Rattler. Mum has obviously made a powerful impression through these groups, as some of the earliest sympathy cards came to Dad from some of the other church ladies.She had the ability to make a great impression on many people. One of my friends in Melbourne, also called H_, treasures the bed throw that Mum crocheted for her young son. My partner, who unfortunately can’t be here today, was also deeply touched by Mum’s welcome into the family. They shared an interest in leatherwork, and when we were both up here a few months ago and came home with a few newly bought leather tools, Mum was straight out of bed to show how the tools should be used.That helpfulness, and that touching of others’ hearts. was characteristic of H_, and her caring, loving nature. She had such a lovely, easy going nature that people instinctively liked her and were happy to claim her as a friend. At a time of sadness like this, it is an uplifting feeling to see the love and respect of so many family and friends, and we thank you for this.My mother’s love shaped and touched the hearts of many us, much as wind can shape stone. As with the wind, we can’t see H_ now, but we can see the effects she has had on us, and that her legacy will continue to have on us. It shows and will always show in the way we live our lives. We can honour her by living up to her example of courage, commitment, humour and love.
Copyright © Kayleen White, 2019 (where this date is different to the year of publication, it is because I did the post some time ago and then used the scheduling feature to delay publication) I take these photographs and undertake these writings – and the sharing of them – for the sake of my self expression. I am under no particular illusions as to their literary or artistic merit, and ask only that any readers do not have any undue expectations. If you consider me wrong, then publish me – with full credit and due financial recompense, of course :)
